Chapter 6 It was insane to be driven crazy nemunhu wandakanga ndisina kuona kwakachena. Asi pandakafunga kuti vamwe vanotosangana online and feel greater good out of it, i chose to follow my feelings. Somehow ndakaona kuti naiye Simba wacho akanga ave kucatcher. It was real quick and real sweet. The combination out of it was fear and confusion. Ndainzwa kuti mukomana akanga ave kugogodza pamoyo pangu iyeye. Zvisinei, pfungwa yekuti ndibvume kuti ndakanga ndamera rudo ndakanga ndisina. Infact ndaisaziva kuti ndinoda kuita sei naye sezvo ndakanga ndagara ndine mumwe mukomana. Mukomana aizikanzwa kumba kwedu. I really wanted Simba to remain a friend but mhando yeshamwari manje! Iye akaramba achingove munhu sezvaaive pandakatanga kutaura naye. Sometimes i could feel the connection but ndaingotya. It was going to be unwise and premature to tell him all love words even though it was clear i needed him. Rather i kept telling him i need you. Telling him i am yours, threading between the thin line leaving a neutral sandline. Less of a surprise rimwe zuva akabva atanga kutaura upon the reality of feelings. "Tash can you allow me", akadaro. "Allowing you what?" "Unoziva here kuti ndanguva ndatyper the love word but ndichiclear" "Why?" "I do not want to irritate you. Ndikakubhowa you will leave me, saka ndinobva ndataurwa neni nani?" "I will never leave you Simba but is that necessary?" "What?" "Telling me that you love me". "I knew i was right kuclear. Anyway thanks for being clear with me nekuti these feelings just come" "Ummm" "Serious Tash. I was and i am still confused but do not worry the feeling will eventually go away", akadaro. Ndakatanga kunzwa kubatikana. He sounded more hurt than understanding. Ndakanga ndave kutarisa maoptions angu. Ndezvipi zvaive zvakanakira kumubvumira kutaura zvaanoda, words i will loosely choose when and how to respond. Ndakaona kunge kana aishaya freedom yekutaura zvaanoda, ndipo paitangira zvinhu kuchinja. Of course pane dzimwe nguva dzandainzwa kuti he oversaid things. Kunzwa kubitiridzwa nemashoko but then kana aizoita time asina kundiisira message ndaitonzwa kuita worse. It was not always he oversaid things , he just did it for some purpose i did not know. Iye aibva angozoti mafeelings akamuwandira. Kumuka makuseni ndichiona chat rangu rakazara mamessage ake ndaikuda. Uye ndizvo zvandakanga ndatojaira. Saka izvi zvekuti azove limited zvaive out of question. "Say whatever you want to say Simba. Call me love, tell me how you feel" "No it's okay. Zvatopfuura", akapindura. Akabva atochinja subject ipapo ipapo. Ndakatanga kunzwa the opposite manje. Naye takanga tataura zvakawanda but not agreeing on love words was confusing. Saka aizotsvaka mumwe waaidaidza kuti love here? Aizotaura neni here kana aiwana mumwe munhu? "Simba" "vaMaNcube vangu" "You now making me feel bad" "No babe. Iwewe handide kukubhowa kana kamwe. I will dance according to your tune", akapindura. Ndakanga ndichaenda nepi pakadaro. Kana munhu ataura kuti ndinenge ndichipo anenge achipo. Rakazodoka tave kutaura zvimwe. Our conversations were really dominated by the topic of eventually meeting. Takanga tambotaura before akandivimbisa kuti he was not going to control himself over kissing me. Kana neniwo ndakanga ndamuudza kuti i would let him kiss me. Actually ndaida kutoonawo how good he was pakiss yacho. He emphasised on being a real fan of kisses. He didn't mention anywhwee beyond that act, which was fine with me. Ndiri ndega ndakanga ndisisagone kumirira kuti ndimuone zvangu. At least maybe some things were going to change kana ndamuona. "Saka iwewe unobva kupi?" "KuMasvingo", akapindura. "Ah. Saka paye waiendepi?" "Pane zvandainge ndafambira kuKwekwe" "Saka kuMasvingo ndiko kwaunopedza nguva dzose uri?" "Born and bred there" "Hoo, saka unokwanisa kundishanyirawo kumusha kwedu?" "What?" "Simba i cannot really wait to meet you my smile keeper" "Kumusha kwenyu ndekupi?" "Karoi" "Aah kwese uko. Uri kuendako riini munhu akandiudza kuti ari kubasa" "Unokwanisa kuuyawo here neSunday?" "Sunday like this upcoming Sunday?" "Yes. Sunday, Sunday iyoyi Sunday", ndakasimbisawo. "Okay ndendichikuudza kuti zvakamira sei" "Okay. Unoziva here kuti pese pandinosidzokera kubasa ndinowanzoperekedza nemukomana wangu. This time around ndakamurambira, akabva agumbuka. He thought pane munhu anondiperekedza so he followed me. Little did he know kuti munhu wangu uyu ari mumusoro not physical". Akangoseka ndokubva azoti, "Tash I don't want to lose you not even for a second. I really feel this is the best feeling i ever had" After two days Simba akabva ati akanga ane tight schedule. Aisakwanisa kutraveller kubva kuMasvingo kuuya kuKaroi. It felt different but he cited that aisada kundiona zvekumhanya - mhanya. Ndakatarisisawo ndikaona kuti kubva kuMasvingo kusvika kuKaroi munhu ouya Sunday odzokera Monday makuseni it was unfair. Takazoronga kuti ndimuone pandaienda kuoff. Ndakanga ndine maplans angu ekuenda kuSouth Africa. Ndakabva ndangomuudza kuti ndaizomuona ndichipfuura. He agreed. Everyday of chatting to together, drew each other close to another. I would imagine a lot of things being around him and his gentleness. He sounded more of a man who had great understanding levels. Ko kana ndiinaye chii chaizoitika? The two of us? Yes paripo pandaitombosvika pakufunga nezvazvo. Weakness yangu akanga ariye. Zvimwe zvinhu ndaingozorega kumuudza nekuti ndaiona zvisingaite. Musiyano wezvandainzwa everytime pandaitaura naye nepandaitaura nemukomana wangu waive distinctive. Even my workmates vakanga vazviona kui pane zvaiitika pandiri. Ndaingozovaudza kuti ndaisetswa neshamwari yangu. Ndakanga ndine dating history but Simba aiita ndinzwe something new everytime. He never ran out of words which remained sweet. Ndakamboseka pandakafunga kuti ko kana ndaive ndasangana naye ndiine murume? I rubbished the thoughts by thinking that ndaisazomupa attention which i was no longer sure of. Ainakidza zvake mukomana iyeye. Dzimwe nguva aigona kunditi handei tinogeza ndobva ndaramba. Pane rimwe zuva raakafona ikaita missed call. Ndakangoiona ndokubva ndatomufonera back. Ko ndaimboda kuti ambondisuwa zvekudaro here. "Missed your call, ndanga ndichigeza" "Okay its fine. Saka wapedza hako?" "Yea izvezvi ndiri kutozora mafuta" "Ayoo saka ndiri kutaura nemunhu asina kutopfeka ipapa?", akadaro achiseka ndokubva ati, "i can imagine" Ndakasekawo ndokubva ndati, "Iweka" Hameno zvazvaingove so. It was just weird but zvichindinakidza kutaura naye. Ndakazocutter ndokubva ndapedzisa kuita zvandaiita. Ndakanga ndave kugara ndichingomufunga. Pamwe ndaiedza kuisa focus yangu somewhere but zvichitoramba. Chakanga chatove chijairira. At some point i even contemplated him making love to me. He was my weakness, ndaigona kuzomumisa here? As a woman it was getting harder for me to avoid him. Munhu akanga agona kupenetrator nekufadza moyo wangu. Simba aiita ndidhomoke. The other day achitove manheru takaita a strong chat. The words said were so intimate zvekuti he ended up saying he wanted to say it. "Saying what?" "That i love you Tash", he came again for the second time. "Ummm Goodnight", ndizvo zvandakaita. Kuti ndimuudze kuti ndakanga ndisingade kuti titaure nezvazvo ndaitya kumubhowa. Kuti ndimurege achitaura nezvazvo futi he would like me to return his word. Izvozvo ndaiona senge zvaizokanganisa hushamwari hwangu naye. "This is the second time i said something which you do not feel like. I am sorry dear" "I am not ready for that Simba", i wanted to take it slow. Love meant a lot of things, but to him he was moved by a little weight. "The words will not bother you again- never" Izvozvo ndizvo zvandakanga ndisingade ataure. I was not shutting him out. Kumuda ndaitomuda chaizvo. However ndaisaziva if it was real love or mere lust. Kuti arege kutaura nezvazvo futi ndaisada. "Saka wanga wandiitira goodnight kuti ndakuudza kuti ndokuda?", akavhunza. Handina kumupindura. Ndakangotuma kaemoji. The next message was worse. Simba akabva ati, "Thank you Tash for everything. I will forever cherish having you as a friend and will never forget the night i first met you" Ndakarohwa nehana, kunge day raakanga ambondiudza kuti any day aive achizoenda kuSouth Africa. Chakanga chandivhundutsa day iroro ndechekuti akanga achizoenda ndisina kumuona. Zvino zvezuva iri he was walking away. Ndiyoyo nguva munhukadzi yaanobatikana nekusanzwisisa kwemunhurume. Ndaida anzwisise kuti ndaimuda maybe kutodarika zvaaita but the time was not ripe for us to be. Manje apa ndakanga ndavharirwa easy easy. IR6 Ends