: *Expectations in Marriage* — *Where Dreams Meet Reality* *Garments for Each Other ©* *Friday June 20th 2025* *Nikah* — a sacred covenant, a companionship of hearts, a journey of becoming — begins with dreams whispered between souls. But somewhere between "*Qabiltu*" and everyday life, expectations begin to smudge the colors of the canvas of this union. Some expectations nourish and guide; others slowly eat away at the fabric of love. Understanding them — where they come from, what they mean, and how to manage them — can make the difference between a marriage that withers and one that blooms through every season. *The Fantasy vs. The Real* In today’s world, many young girls enter marriage wearing rose-tinted glasses — not from life, but from novels, films, TikTok reels, and Instagram love stories. A constant stream of “relationship goals” has left many imagining that marriage is a daily walk through rose petals, candlelit dinners, poetic text messages, and effortless understanding. The problem is not in dreaming — it is in dreaming without preparing for the weight and work of a lifelong bond. Real marriage isn’t a fairytale. It’s not *edited* or *filtered*. There are dishes in the sink, tired eyes, conflicting emotions, staying with your spouse even when you want to be with your friends , apologizing even when you think you are right, sick children, financial stress, and sometimes misunderstandings. There are days where love is expressed not in roses, but in making masala chai for a tired spouse, or giving a shoulder massage or sitting quietly beside them during a storm. There will be days when you will earn your spouse’s respect and love just by being there for his/her mother or family. It is vital for young girls and boys alike to nourish their hearts with stories of the Seerah, of Khadijah رضي الله عنها and her unwavering support in the difficult times to our prophet sallal lahu alaihi wasallam , of Fatima رضي الله عنها and her simplicity, Hadhrat Uthman Radiallahu Anhu and his exemplary Haya etc. Read books like, “Al Maratus Saaliha - The pious wife “ “The pious Husband. * “With the Heart in Mind” , and other good Islamic books on marriage. These works teach that love is not just a feeling — it’s an action, a responsibility, and a choice. *What Men Expect: Unrealistic and Unspoken* Just as young women often enter marriage with unrealistic fairytale-like dreams, many men also carry their own set of idealised expectations — usually never verbalised, but silently present. Many men expect: That their wives will always remain youthful and beautiful — physically and emotionally. That their wives will never get tired, irritable, or emotionally overwhelmed. They should cook at anytime they are told. That they will always be the center of attention, even as children, responsibilities, and life pull the woman in multiple directions. That their wives will fulfill the role of mother, homemaker, counsellor, and companion all in one — without faltering. But time affects everyone. Beauty matures. Bodies change. Energy wanes. Women are not robots. They also have feelings, insecurities, cycles of fatigue, and their own emotional needs. “Marriages fail not because people change, but because unrealistic expectations weren’t adjusted when life changed.” — Dr.Gottman It is unjust to expect constancy in appearance or perfection in behavior when life itself is full of change and trials. The Prophet ﷺ saw his wives as companions of the heart. . His love for Khadijah only increased with time, even as she aged and bore hardships with him. *Where Do These Expectations Come From?* In psychology, much of this is rooted in attachment history and media influence. From Bollywood to social media, young people are exposed to glamorized versions of love — rarely the kind built in kitchens and lived in hospitals and through child-rearing. Social media teaches us to compare — our lives to others, our spouses to others, our marriages to filtered illusions. Dr. Brene Brown explains: “Comparison is the thief of joy. It robs us of contentment.” Dr. Sue Johnson adds, “Love is not about perfection. It is about emotional responsiveness.” When a couple begins to see each other as work in progress rather than perfect beings, they build trust and realistic love. They learn how to turn towards each other, not away, in times of stress — a Gottman principle proven to save marriages. *What Marriage Really Offers* Marriage is a mirror. It reveals your strengths, your weaknesses, and sometimes, your deepest wounds. But in its best form, marriage becomes a space of healing — if both people walk into it with taqwa, sabr, communication, and a commitment to growth. Marriage is not always romantic, but it is deeply spiritual. "Don’t expect perfection in your spouse. If you dislike one quality, be patient, for there may be much good in them." in Surah An-Nisa Allah tala says - “...And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them—perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good.” This verse teaches us that no human is perfect, and that we must approach marriage with patience, mercy, and realistic expectations — recognizing the good even when some things fall short. *So What Can We Do?* Educate Before You Expect Read good books, not romantic novels. Study the marriages of the Prophet ﷺ. Ask married women what the real day-to-day looks like. Enter prepared, not fantasizing. *Talk About Expectations* What does "being a good husband or wife" mean to each of you? What does affection look like? These are real conversations. *Check Your Source of Expectations* Are they coming from the *Quran* and *Sunnah*? Or from Netflix and TikTok? Invest in Emotional Skills Learn how to listen, how to say sorry, how to resolve conflict. These are as essential as love. Learn how to stay calm. *Reframe Beauty and Romance* She may not always have makeup on, and he may not always say the right thing. But small acts — her bringing your medicine, him covering you when you fall asleep — are worth more than a thousand “likes.” *A Dua for Real Love* Ya Allah, Grant us marriages that are rooted in reality, nurtured by compassion, and guided by You. Let us not be deceived by illusions or disheartened by trials. Let our expectations align with truth, And our hearts be softened by Your mercy. Ameen. *Garments for Each Other ©*