#weeklyword – When Everything Piles Up Lately, I’ve been trying to show up for myself the way I do for others. It’s something I know I struggle with—I prioritise other people’s feelings, wants, and needs over my own, especially when I care. So, I took a leap. I spent a lot of money to attend a summit, thinking it would be a great networking opportunity and a way to figure out how I want to move forward in the nightlife industry. I left feeling great, inspired—like I was finally stepping in the right direction. Then I came back to London. The reality hit hard. My new place wasn’t ready. My things had been moved without my say-so. My bedding was gone, meaning I couldn’t even stay there. I had communicated my needs clearly, yet somehow, I was still unheard. That same day, I had a falling out with someone I trusted. Everything seemed to pile on at once, like life was determined to remind me that no matter how much effort I put in, I’d still be left disappointed. And if I’m honest? I haven’t been okay. I’ve realised that part of the reason certain situations remain so triggering is because I don’t know how to deal with them when they happen. They pile up, unresolved, and after a while, it’s just too much. And then I stop feeling able to share my emotions because, more often than not, when I do, they’re dismissed or shut down. Right now, I don’t feel safe. Not physically, but emotionally. I feel isolated. I feel unheard. I feel so overwhelmingly sad and frustrated that I just want to disappear. I’m battling with the urge to drink just to numb the pain, because at this point, I don’t know what else to do with it. It’s exhausting trying to be strong when it feels like no matter how much I communicate, I’m still misunderstood. A few days ago, I had a panic attack. I reached out. No one answered. Eventually, someone called back, but by then, I was already drowning. The advice I got? The same as always—how do you handle it? What do you do? But what do I do when the real issue isn’t just handling the moment, but the fact that *I’m constantly in these moments?* That no matter how much I try, I keep ending up here? I don’t even know why I’m sharing this. Maybe I just needed to say it out loud. Maybe I don’t care if anyone reads it. Maybe I do. Either way, this is where I’m at. — Koleish