*The Worst Uber Ride of My Life* I should have known the night was going to be a disaster the moment my Uber driver said, *“Bros, I never really drive at night before o, but we go try.”* But I was already running late for this date, and I had been talking to this babe for *too long* to fumble now. I needed to see her, so I ignored the red flag and entered the car. Biggest mistake of my life. From the moment we hit the road, I knew something was off. This man was gripping the steering wheel like it was a steering committee. Eyes wide, lips slightly open, as if he was concentrating on performing brain surgery. I checked the app again. *4.2-star rating.* Ah. I should have checked before entering. “Bros, no vex, I dey try avoid pothole,” he explained, swerving violently to the left. There was no pothole. At this point, I held on to the door handle for dear life. Then came the first *real* problem. We stopped at a traffic light, and before I could even relax, I heard a voice from outside. “Baba, where you dey go?” I turned and saw a guy— *drenched in sweat, wearing only boxers and one slipper.* “AH! Bro, why you dey run?” my driver shouted back. “I no fit explain! Just carry me go anywhere!” the guy pleaded, still panting. I was already shaking my head. “Oga, don’t open this d—” *Click.* Driver unlocked the door. Before I could protest, *Boxers Man* jumped into the front seat. “Baba abeg, just drive! No ask question!” My soul left my body. “Driver, please—throw this man out.” “Bros, I no fit, him fit need help.” “HELP FOR WHAT? WHY IS HE SWEATING LIKE THIS?” At this point, *Boxers Man* turned to me and said, *“Brother, no vex, I just escape from something.”* Escape?? Before I could even process that, I heard shouting from outside. “THIEF! CATCH AM!” My driver screamed. I screamed. Boxers Man screamed. Then my driver did something I will never forget— *he hit the accelerator.* I *swear to you*, my spirit left my body again. We were speeding through the streets, dodging innocent people, while Boxers Man kept shouting, *“GO LEFT! NO, RIGHT! NO, INSIDE THAT COMPOUND!”* Oga wanted us to enter someone’s house. At this point, I pulled out my phone and texted my date: *“I don’t think I will make it. Please always remember me as a good man.”* We kept driving, turning into random streets, until finally, we stopped at an abandoned corner. Boxers Man exhaled deeply. *“God bless una. I go come down here.”* And just like that, he got out and ran into the night. Silence. My driver turned to me, looking like he had just seen Jesus. “Bros, I no go lie, this work no be for me.” I nodded slowly. “Yes. Please drop me here.” That was the day I deleted Uber from my phone.