I love biscuits. I have a sweet tooth—Hobnobs, Coaster, those N100 and N200 own. I buy them plenty, but my wife? Sugar is her enemy. When we were dating, she tried to stop me. After marriage, she upgraded to throwing them away. If I hide them to eat at night, she’ll find them and trash them like a customs officer. No matter how I beg, shout, or protest, this woman no gree. Even when we go grocery shopping with my own money, if I try to pick biscuit, she’ll say NO. If I sneak it to the counter, she’ll remove it. This woman is ready to disgrace me publicly because of biscuit. And me, I hate drama, so I always let her win. The only time I enjoy biscuits is at work or when she’s out. I even dispose of the wrapper outside so there’s no evidence. Once she sees anywhere I hide them, she’ll say, “God, I married a child. I could’ve married a doctor, but I chose a child who hides biscuits in his boxers. But that’s what she has reduced me to, a biscuit bandit. Yesterday, we went for our usual monthly shopping. As we picked foodstuffs, I saw my opportunity. I grabbed two N200 biscuits and hid them in my pocket so I can pay for it without her noticing. Next thing I heard— “Oga, wetin dey your pocket?” I turned. Supermarket security man. I told him to relax, but before I finished talking, this overzealous guy just grabbed my pocket and pulled out the biscuits! “Ole! Thief!” he shouted, drawing the attention of everyone in the store. Before I could explain, he punched me in the mouth, tearing my lip. Out of reflex, I head-butted him, he fell so I sat on him, strangling him in anger— Then BAM! I felt a painful blow to the back of my head. Two more security guards jumped in and were now beating me like I stole dollars. I was receiving blows and kicks everywhere. My wife came running, shouting, “Leave him alone! He’s my husband!” The use|ess security men shouted back, “Madam, your husband na thief! He thief biscuits!” My wife showed them our trolley: “We just spent over 50k on all this! Does this look like a man who needs to steal biscuits of 200 naira?” Thankfully, a cashier recognized me and explained. They let me go, but it was too late. By the time I stood up, people were recording. I even recognized a few faces from my neighborhood. My reputation as the quiet, handsome, young husband and reserved guy was finished. I just wanted the ground to open and swallow me like Jonah. I bent down, picked up the biscuit from the floor, dusted it off, and added it back to the trolley. Next thing—GBAH! My wife slapped it out of my hands. The walk back home was silent. She kept looking at me somehow. I don’t know if it’s pity, shame or disgust but I’ve quit biscuits. No more sugar again ever. I nearly lost my life and maybe my wife because of biscuit, I no eat again. Let me just be drinking water like aproko doctor recommends. After all, water is life, and happy wife, happy life. The End Ajebo Writer ©️Kingdavid Chinaeke Ofunne