*I feel alive. (5.06.2025)* I can't believe I have spent years in high functioning depression - going about my day doing all the things I had to do - but never fully realizing I was not truly alive. Weekends became my refuge to read a little, maybe journal or doodle, but most of the time I just needed to recover from the burnout caused by those five days when I was doing work that held little meaning for me, and I was away from my daughter (this hurt like nothing else). I wanted to raise her before my eyes, and I was away for many hours and came back so exhausted that I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone her. Even with the optimism that never left me and gratitude for the good that still remained in my life, I woke up to mornings with a heart full of darkness. I almost felt nauseatic rushing through mornings. Even if I didn't want to question, an inner voice often shook me, "Is this the life you want to live for the next 30 years?" Life seemed pretty perfect on the outside, but deep down, I knew I was far from my true self, and therefore hurting. People looked up to me. Parents were proud. Relatives praised me. Old uncles in weddings would especially come over to talk about civil service. I was generally well accepted at work and would put in effort , but deep down, I knew it was not my path. My values were entirely different. I wasn't giving time to the things that fed my soul. How idealistic, right? Many people told me, even close friends, that I could work on my passions along with this job as well. I could do everything with it, but that wasn't true. The environment where I spent the most time of the day, where materialism, sychophancy, conformity, and elite capture ruled, didn’t leave me with the energy and truth to pursue what mattered the most to me. I was holding on to something that was unaligned, and I was doing it out of fear. Fear of losing something unimaginable froze me - it left me frozen for days. And somehow I got the courage to free myself from it, and take a leap of faith towards the life that felt like mine. I am full of life, and I don't wake up with depression anymore.