A Reading, Writing Life
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About A Reading, Writing Life
Join me on my journey of art, literature, human experience, and everything in between.
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"The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image." - Thomas Merton, The Way of Chuang Tzu
*Some People Fall Away (15.06.2025)* When you shift a timeline, when you bring a big, positive change in your life, some people fall away. Not because they dislike you, not because the connection wasn't genuine, or that you dislike them, it's just that you can not connect with them anymore, or they can not relate with your new life. So, what do we do here? Chase after them? Revive the connections that are not relevant anymore? Absolutely not. We love them from afar. We send them good wishes, but we don't chase after them. Yes, we may grieve them a little bit because we shared a good part of our life with them, but once our life is better than before, the grieving ends soon. And new people arrive - the new ones who bring love, light, and joy to your life - who affirm who you are and how you live! You cherish every moment with them and express gratitude. However, some connections are timeless! They stay. Rain or sunshine, they stay. And you will never have to chase them - they will always be present - no matter what.
Fall in love with the way life gently rearranges itself to match your beautiful energy. - Carrie Marie Bush
*My Light, My Joy. (12.06.2025)* This morning when I was making a paratha for Alizey and chai for myself, I had this warm feeling of being blessed with such a bright light in my life - yes, that's what Alizey means to me. Before I became a mother, I feared I would probably lose myself, and would never have the time and energy for the things I loved. Luckily, it turned out just the opposite. Alizey, with her positive energy, has made me more of myself. I have been able to connect with nature much more deeply, and my micro-joys have increased tenfold. I still do all the things I loved - but way more than I did before. It somehow happened that I started reading, writing, and making art with much more fervour than I ever did before. When I sit down to paint, she paints with me. She loves our houseplants and waters them. She has befriended the trees outside our window. When we are in the car, I am so excited to show her the moon, stars, trees, sunset, and animals. I am so glad to share this joy with her. Sometimes, we play with water. Sometimes we laugh for no reason. My sense of humour has emerged out of nowhere, and I love laughing with her, and making her laugh. We have the quirkiest conversations ever, and sometimes I totally forget I am her mother. Our nature walks in spring filled our hearts with such joy, but I love to have her around indoors. Now in summer vacations, we have slow mornings with lots of cuddles, and she wakes up smiling and ready to seize the day. It almost feels as if a part of my childhood and my summer vacations have been returned to me - with a lot more presence, a lot more joy.
"Living never wore one out so much as the effort not to live." - Anaïs Nin
*Your art will be terrible. (13.06.2025)* Art is such a raw and vulnerable thing, and when you are new to it, it can turn out to be really terrible. You start with joy. You love the process, but you do not always end up with a piece you are happy with - it can be that heartbreaking. It has happened to me hundreds of times, yet somehow I keep going with renewed hope. I think there are two things that keep you going: 1. Even when your art turns out terrible, you somehow learn a tiny little thing, like a colour combination, a pattern, a design, a texture that you can use to upgrade your future work. 2. And sometimes, it's not terrible. It turns out great, and you savour that piece. When you look at it, it brings you peace, it brings you joy, it reminds you that good things can come out of art and you must keep going. So anyone who is trying art and failing, just remember it will be terrible, but you will progress, and good art will also arrive, it will become more frequent if you keep making it, if you keep enjoying the process, and learning through it.
"If the day and the night are such that you greet them with joy, and life emits a fragrance like flowers and sweet-scented herbs, is more elastic, more starry, more immortal-that is your success." - Henry David Thoreau
*I feel alive. (5.06.2025)* I can't believe I have spent years in high functioning depression - going about my day doing all the things I had to do - but never fully realizing I was not truly alive. Weekends became my refuge to read a little, maybe journal or doodle, but most of the time I just needed to recover from the burnout caused by those five days when I was doing work that held little meaning for me, and I was away from my daughter (this hurt like nothing else). I wanted to raise her before my eyes, and I was away for many hours and came back so exhausted that I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone her. Even with the optimism that never left me and gratitude for the good that still remained in my life, I woke up to mornings with a heart full of darkness. I almost felt nauseatic rushing through mornings. Even if I didn't want to question, an inner voice often shook me, "Is this the life you want to live for the next 30 years?" Life seemed pretty perfect on the outside, but deep down, I knew I was far from my true self, and therefore hurting. People looked up to me. Parents were proud. Relatives praised me. Old uncles in weddings would especially come over to talk about civil service. I was generally well accepted at work and would put in effort , but deep down, I knew it was not my path. My values were entirely different. I wasn't giving time to the things that fed my soul. How idealistic, right? Many people told me, even close friends, that I could work on my passions along with this job as well. I could do everything with it, but that wasn't true. The environment where I spent the most time of the day, where materialism, sychophancy, conformity, and elite capture ruled, didn’t leave me with the energy and truth to pursue what mattered the most to me. I was holding on to something that was unaligned, and I was doing it out of fear. Fear of losing something unimaginable froze me - it left me frozen for days. And somehow I got the courage to free myself from it, and take a leap of faith towards the life that felt like mine. I am full of life, and I don't wake up with depression anymore.
"Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity." - Simone Weil
"People do not realize just how much they are putting at risk when they don't accept what life presents them with, the questions and tasks that life sets them. When they resolve to spare themselves the pain and suffering, they owe to their nature. In so doing, they refuse to pay life's dues and for this very reason, life then often leads them astray. If we don't accept our own destiny, a different kind of suffering takes its place: a neurosis develops, and I believe that that life which we have to live is not as bad as a neurosis. If I have to suffer, then let it be from my reality. A neurosis is a much greater curse! In general, a neurosis is a replacement for an evasion, an unconscious desire to cheat life, to avoid something. One cannot do more than live what one really is. And we are all made up of opposites and conflicting tendencies. After much reflection, I have come to the conclusion that it is better to live what one really is and accept the difficulties that arise as a result because avoidance is much worse." - Carl Jung